How to survive the heatwave
|Date:||24 July 2018|
Need help surviving this heat? We’ve got you covered with these genuinely helpful tips.
1. Don’t go outside. At all. Unless your student room has turned into a (Dutch) oven - then go to someone else’s place and don’t leave. Also, don’t take any busses at all, especially not the one to Zernike.
2. H20 - Drink it, chill in it, throw it on your friends - water has now become life (actually... it’s always been life. Life finds a way).
3. Go to a mall that has aircon - Paddepoel mall has never seemed so appealing.
4. Ice, ice baby - drink it, chew on it, eat it, fill your bathtub with it, ask people to rub it all over you - so many options.
5. Complain about it - this is your chance to act like a Dutch person - complain all day and all night long about the heat. This will not really help with the heat, but do it anyway and hope you get more useful advice from the people you complain to than you are getting from this blog post.
6. Go to the Noorderplantsoen, realise it’s completely full of people, then try to steal a spot in the shade. Alternative: just jump in that gross bit of water - I’ve seen a drunk British tourist do this and they seemed to survive. Not sure about the poor ducks though...
7. Run under sprinklers - because of the drought, people are not allowed to sprinkle their lawns but you know there are some buttfaces in Helpman are still doing this - find them and then run around their garden - what are they gonna do? Call the cops? Then they’ll have to admit they were ILLEGALLY sprinkling!
8. Limit your movements to conserve energy - sit on a chair next to your fridge and pretend to be a sweaty statue.
9. Go to the Groningen Museum - just cause of aircon - and their art is all about global warming, waste, and getting off social media so it’s a suitable theme.
10. Emigrate to Greenland
11. Go to Spain and enjoy the milder temperatures. Tell all Spanish people about how much hotter the Netherlands is. Then siesta all day and siesta all night.
12. Become a vampire. You know when the temperature becomes better? At night. Sleep during the day, then at night, go outside. Become as pale as possible and then brag about having successfully avoided having a life. Also, drink loads of blood coloured drinks just to confuse people. Maybe change your name to Lestat or Dracula, OR if you’re feeling really extra… go for Edward. Throw glitter everywhere. Just go for it, man.
Got more helpful tips to keep me from melting down? Let us know!